Alexander Lavelle Harris, The Impotent Years
by Bert
Summary: twisted ficlet B/X


Title: Alexander Lavelle Harris, The Impotent Years. (part 36DD)  
Author: Bert  
Rating: How prudish are you?  
Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine. Warped reality is.  
Summary: Sorry, but it had to be done.  
  
  
"Mmmm, you taste good," Buffy whispered in a low sultry voice as she slowly licked the chocolate sauce from his body with a slow sensuous motion. Xander shivered slightly as the cold liquid ran slowly down the side of his neck, quickly followed by the searing heat of Buffy's tongue. Catching up with the trail Buffy latched onto the nape of his neck and slowly cleaned it with a swirling motion of her tongue.  
  
Then he started chuckling.   
  
"What?" Buffy sat up and gazed longingly down at him, "why are you laughing?" she pouted.  
  
Xander ginned, "It tickles."  
  
Buffy sighed in despair, "it didn't work then?" she asked.  
  
"Nope," he shook his head in negation, "can you remove those too?" he looked directly at her enhancements.  
  
Rolling off him Buffy removed the sliver tassels from her breasts and threw them across the room, "they weren't my idea anyway," she said defensively. "Cordellia suggested that they might remind you of cheerleaders," she saw the look he has giving her, "or something like that…" her voice trailed off and died as she realised herself just how stupid it sounded. Lying on her back next to him Buffy looked up at their reflection, "how long has it been now?" she asked resting her head on his shoulder.  
  
"Two weeks," he wiped some of the cream from his chest with a finger and without missing a beat popped it into his mouth, "although it feels like 200 million years." He looked around for more of the whipped cream.  
  
"Do you want to watch the video again?" she asked snuggling closer up against him.  
  
"Which one?" he asked studying the carpet in the mirror, 'I really need a new one' he thought ignoring the supple body draped around him. "How did you manage to get that film of Willow and Tara?"  
  
Buffy had the grace to look a bit sheepish, "Well they did offer to help."  
  
"Oh really," Xander replied in his most disbelieving voice, "and they agreed to you filming them? And just how did you manage to get the camera at that angle without them noticing?" He held up a hand to silence her reply, "no don't answer that, I'm not interested." He shook his head in disgust, "I'm not sure which is worse, you filming them or me watching it."  
  
"Well what about the other tape?"  
  
Xander raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Of me and Faith." Buffy clarified.  
  
Xander remained straight faced, "I'm not sure some of those positions you were in are entirely legal."  
  
"Legal or not, she's agreed to a threesome."  
  
Hearing those words Xander's eyes glazed over as he pictured the ramifications.  
  
"Xander?" Buffy asked worriedly. Waving her hands over his eyes she smiled when there was no response. After a moment he blinked but remained silent. "Anything?" she asked looking down hopefully.  
  
"No, sorry."  
  
Buffy growled in frustration and slumped back into the mattress, arms crossed over her chest angrily. "I think I know what the problem is," she said after a moments thought.  
  
"Well what?" Xander asked thinking that he really needed to change the curtains.  
  
"You're pathetic, that's what." Before Xander even had a chance to say 'Huh?', Buffy literally kicked his naked butt out of the bed and onto the cold hard floor. His eyes widened in fear as she loomed angrily over him, "Pa-the-tic."  
  
Stepping over his cowering form Buffy stomped over to the shelves where Xander had some of his prized possessions on display. "I mean, you play with dolls." Buffy picked up the small plastic figurine of Spock, complete with pointy ears and blue uniform. Xander screamed in abject terror as she bit off the head and spat it at him. He ducked as it embedded itself into the wall.   
  
Xander scooted and cowered in the corner as Buffy threw the remains of Spock at him before turning to the next figurine of to vent her wrath on.  
  
"No! Not Scotty," begged Xander, recognising the red uniform.  
  
Buffy examined the toy, "give me a good reason why I shouldn't," raising it ominiously towards her mouth.  
  
"Because… because…" he struggled desperately to find a reason, "because he's cute!"  
  
She looked at him strangely.  
  
"Well he is. Cute, really cute, really, really, really cute. Honest, scouts honour, cross my heart and hope to die. Spare him, please?"   
  
Buffy looked carefully at the doll for a moment, "ok, he's cute" she shrugged and threw him over her shoulder. Instead she grabbed a mug and threw it at the wall above him where it shattered with a satisfying crash. Small pieces of ceramic rained down onto him.  
  
"Methos?" asked Xander in disbelief, "you killed my Methos mug. Do you have any idea how rare it is?" He bent knelt down and tried to fit the pieces back together.  
  
"May I offer my congratulations?"  
  
Hearing the voice they both turned to face the owner, "Anya?" they exclaimed in unison.  
  
Anya smiled and stepped gingerly over the wreckage, "impressive," she said smiling, "I didn't think you'd last this long."  
  
Buffy destroyed a limited edition plate depicting McCleod, "well I did give him a chance." She threw several items at his whimpering form in the corner.  
  
"Do you want to make him pay?" Anya asked innocently playing with the amulet hanging around her neck, "I mean 'really' make him pay?"  
  
"You mean something other than smashing up his stuff?"  
  
"Uhuh"  
  
Buffy looked over at him and smiled when she saw him place his hands over his ears to shut out their voices. "like having his limbs fall off?"  
  
"If you want."  
  
"Or how about turning him into a frog?"  
  
Anya grinned.  
  
"So I could turn his body inside out?"  
  
"Yess…" Anya was getting positively excited at tormenting Xander. "Just make the damn wish."  
  
"Having Spike fall in love with him could be fun I suppose. Actually making him fall in love with Spike would be funner."  
  
"Do it," Anya pratically screamed.  
  
"I wish…" she stopped and thought carefully, stretching out the moment. Anya's foot and fingers tapped impatiently. "I wish," Buffy began again slowly, "that Xander is no longer and will never be impotent."  
  
"Done." She was relieved that Buffy had finally decided on a torment. Then the words sunk in, "no wait, I take it back," she said quickly, but it was too late.  
  
Xander leapt of the floor and headed straight for Buffy, pulling her into his embrace he planted soft kisses down her neck, "about that threesome…" he whispered softly. Buffy found it impossible to reply as his lips captured hers.  
  
"You tricked me." Anya was annoyed.  
  
They ignored her.  
  
"Stop it," ordered Anya stamping her foot angrily, she noticed their nakedness for the first time, "I'm still here you know."  
  
They continued to ignore her.  
  
"Hello?" She waved. Then noticed just what they were doing. "That's…." Anya was awestruck as she watched them head for the bed.   
  
Xander reached over and dimmed the lights.  
  
"Fine, I can take a hint." She left.  
  
Fade to black. 


End file.
